I'm starting to feel better...
Okay, okay, here are some stories from the newspaper:
Overnight Guy's Comment: I am speechless; and that doesn't happen often. I mean, I inhale...open my mouth...start to form a semi-complete thought...1 or 2 syllables come out...and then I just freeze up and start shaking my head. Wow.
#2 Do you still believe that myth about all people being equal? The National Assessment of Educational Progress, a test given last year to a representative sample of 4th, 8th, and 12th graders, found that Blacks and Hispanics in the 12th grade are losers, while Whites and Asians are doing okay. Just so you don't think I'm bullshitting you, here are 2 exact quotes from the study:
"Fewer than 2 in 5 Black 4th-graders and 1 in 2 Hispanics reached the basic level on the test, a standard achieved by 4 of 5 Whites and nearly 3 out of 4 Asians."
"Among high school seniors, nearly 70% of Blacks and 56% of Hispanics scored below the basic standard, as did 1 in 5 Asians and 1 in 4 Whites."
Overnight Guy's Comment: You'll never see shit like this on the front (or back) page of the paper; they always bury it in the middle somewhere. Why do you think that is?
#2 and a 1/2: Yes folks, we have an extra national news item before we get to something from the local circus here. This week, I am proud to relay to you a "Darwin Award" (a stupid person's death) from Montana:
"Water Skipping" is a new recreation form of building up speed and momentum while riding a snowmobile, and then "skipping over" some amount of water. Now this does sound like a pretty cool and fun idea, and then came Gary Hoyt.
Montana has approved emergency restrictions prohibiting water skipping after Gary died. Mr. Hoyt drowned in a resevoir after his snowmobile lost momentum and sank. So where's the Darwin factor? Gary Hoyt was NOT wearing a life-jacket, and Gary Hoyt could NOT swim. In the words of Dave Barry, I am not making this up.
Overnight Guy's Comment: 'Well let's see; I can't swim, I'm not wearing a life-jacket, and there's nobody around to help me if something goes wrong. I know; I'll try to scoot this 600 lb. snowmobile over some water--that'll be fun!'
#3 In Phoenix, police are concerned ( I love that word; "concerned") about the roughly 200 guns that have been stolen in 3 recent robberies of fire-arms businesses. Many of these weapons are high-powered semi-automatic rifles. To commit these "drive through" burglaries, the theives crash a car into the building--kamikazee style--then jump out, steal the weapons, and run to another car that is waiting.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Phoenix has a few creative criminals that are not already in the government.
The Seattle Mariners hardly get mentioned in the paper, or on the local newscasts, and I am hurt. Granted; Arizona's Diamondbacks are embroiled in a first place battle of their own...but I think that a team with a 80-30 record (50 games over .500) and a small market payroll is newsworthy. Call me crazy.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Why would any intelligent killer dig up bodies--with the hope of those bodies not being found? I just don't get it.
#2 Boeing is testing it's version of the Joint Strike Fighter (X-32B). Boeing is competing with Lockheed for a $200,000,000,000 (yes; 200 billion) Defense Department contract.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Um, what about Bush's big Missle Shield plan? Wouldn't that eliminate the need for a plane that costs more than our country is worth? I'm just asking.
#3 Here in Phoenix: Police won't talk about the 2-car gun battle that killed 2 and injured 3 others on 43rd Avenue (Hey wait; I work on 43rd Avenue.). In Glendale, police raided an apartment and found 25 lbs. of cocaine, a pound of meth, a dozen guns, and 7 illegal immigrants (Smugglers; yes, let's all cry for these poor illegal immigrants.) The best is last: The Africanized Killer Bees have now been found as far north as Indian School road--that's above central Phoenix! The bee-removal people are already calling this an epidemic. (Sleep tight!)
Remember that litttle baseball team in Seattle; the Mariners? Well, their record is up to 76-29 now. Pretty soon I'm going to want to see the total payroll numbers for their team, and compare them to the numbers of the bigger market teams. The "buzz" around this incredible baseball franchise has diminished slightly, and that is wrong.
This team is a symbol of what is good and right in the world. America needs this commanding group of journeymen, second-fiddlers, and also-rans; we all NEED a no-nonsense manager (like Lou) who can get things done. If served correctly, the 2001 Seattle Mariners could bring back the same type of national pride that the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey team did.
Overnight Guy's Comment: What the fuck? How many hydroponic marijuana gardens does it take to run up 15 grand a month on power?
#2 Madonna is touring again; and good for her. I have no problem with this amazing woman. Her tour is currently in Philadelphia. Some people in Philly are paying as much as $1500 per ticket to see this show.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I wouldn't pay $1500 to watch her blow me.
#3 Around the state of Arizona, we had a few doozies of our own this week:
A. In Tucson, South American mosquitos have been found that carry both yellow fever, and dengue fever.
B. Jorge Alonso Mireles died of dehydration in the desert while trying to sneak into our country; he's neither the first nor the last. What makes this poor bastard's story so amusing is that he drank lots of free water from the free water stations that were set up out in the desert to keep criminals like Jorge Alonso Mireles...from dying...of dehydration...out in the desert.
C. David Lamar Anthony (of Peoria) is arrested on 3 counts of first degree murder. He apparently killed his wife and her 2 children, and splattered their blood all over the walls of their house.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Are you kidding me? If I were to start making comments about these stories, I might not be able to stop.
Have you heard about the Seattle Mariners? As of today, their record is 71-27. Wow. I honestly love wearing my Mariners baseball cap around, even though the cap is 8 years old. Woo-hoo!
Overnight Guy's Comment: Too much, too little, too late.
#2 Legionnaires disease outbreak in Spain infects 178, and 292 others are hospitalized with pneumonialike symptoms. Authorities don't even know what the actual source is.
Overnight Guy's Comment: The government is in control; well, sort of.
#3 In Montreal, 21 yr. old (Bishop's University) college student Kevin Mackle was crushed to death by a cola vending machine that turned over on him as he was shaking it; this was in 1998. His family is suing the college, Coca-cola, and a couple of other companies, too.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Wait a second; he was shaking the machine, right? So he was probably facing the machine when it fell over, right? And he couldn't get out of the way? Was Kevin dumb, fat, retarded, or really high at the time? I just don't see the lawsuit.
With amazement, I keep watching this little baseball team from Seattle. They play as a team, for the team; it is refreshing to the point of being ground-breaking. In interviews, the players rarely use the pronoun "I", because everything is about the team. Watch and learn.
After crushing Arizona's own Diamondbacks on Sunday, the Mariners' record is now 66-25.
Oh Hell, I'm just gettin' warmed up:
1. A study of 250,000 children (under the age of 8) involved in car wrecks shows that between 83% and 99% of them were not restrained properly. In continuation, when not restrained properly, children are 3 and a half times more likely to sustain an injury.
Overnight Guy's Comment: More than 4/5 of all kids are either bouncing around the car, or not restrained properly; this ain't news to me.
2. Mexican police (and most of the Mexican government body) are corrupt and guilty of taking countless bribes from immigrants, sometimes even helping move illegal immigrants across the border.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I guess that the only people who didn't know this were the...oh wait, never mind...everybody knew this.
3. In Phoenix; another kid drowns in a pool, a man dies while caught in the crossfire of 2 gangs, a local legend pizza delivery guy dies in a car crash resulting from kids drag-racing, and we have another corrupt Justice of the Peace.
Overnight Guy's Comment: If only we could eliminate them when they were young; then we wouldn't have to deal with gangs, or drag-racers, or corrupt politicians. How many pools is it going to take to get rid of the stupid kids? Keep building them!
In Major League Baseball, there's this little team from Seattle that has a pretty good record; 63-24. I have loved this team for 11 years. In the coming weeks, 10's of millions of people are going to come out of the woodwork--all claiming that they have been Mariners fans since the beginning.
Be ready for them.
#1 Mexico City is a crime scene! A survey of 2600 residents finds that 2 out of every 5 residents has been a victim of crime. 80% of all households have at least 1 member who's been a victim of violent crime in the past year. Crime is 10 times worse than the government says it is.
Overnight Guy's Comment: More magic from the little brown nation below us.
#2 There's a Border Patrol plan to erect six 30-foot "panic towers" in the desert, for humanitarian reasons. Ecologists are afraid that we would use these towers to "find" illegal immigrants, rather than have the towers be "found" by illegal immigrants in trouble.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I would build the towers with gun turrets, laser sights, motion detectors, a stadium sound system, and water cannons--for when the immigrants get too close. Hey, let's have some fun with these criminals before we helicopter them to the hospital for some free health care.
#3 Okay, hang on. The newspaper I read is the Arizona Republic (because I live in Arizona, and this country is a republic; got it?). Somewhere in downtown Phoenix there is a big parking lot for the employees of the Arizona Republic. Friday night, at around 1 am, in that parking garage of the Arizona Republic...
2 men in their 20's were arguing about a traffic altercation, and then apparently they both drew handguns and shot each other. Neither man was killed or arrested; both were taken to the hospital.
Overnight Guy's Comment: And at the hospital, they finally got into the fistfight that they both SHOULD have gotten into in the first place. No?
Back in my day, we went to parking lots to have the fights that we COULDN'T have in traffic. No?
If both of these wussies had guns, then why didn't they just shoot each other in the street? No? Aww, to hell with it; I have no comment.
In baseball, perhaps you've heard of the Seattle Mariners. They have the best record in baseball; 58-21. Wow.